It’s been one year since we were making the plans to bring two adorable baby girls into our home. I had their names on all the preschool lists, because it is hard to get into preschool with just one kid much less two. I have gotten calls from those preschools throughout this past year telling me they had two openings for us. I just opted to tell them that we had already found a place for the girls. That was easier than explaining that we never got the girls in the first place.
Thier mother, Natalie ( I changed her name for privacy sake), reached out to Jared on a September afternoon in 2021. She used to work in the office above him, so she knew she could reach him on the business number of the Bank of Colorado. She dropped a bomb on Jared, basically explaining her bad health and that she had been dreaming of Jared and I and wanted to ask us if we would adopt the girls, then 9 month old twins. Jared called me to drop the bomb and I was done for the rest of the day, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. How exciting and crazy this was.
I spent the next couple of weeks discussing the matter with Natalie. Talking her through this decision. I wanted to make sure this is something that she actually wanted to do. I wanted her to speak to a therapist. I wanted to make sure she got all the resources and help she needed to succeed before giving her babies away that was so evident that she loved so dearly. I wanted to be able to tell the girls, that I did everything in my power to help their mom keep them before just snatching them in my arms and running. Because really that is what I wanted to do. Sheesh! I wanted those girls so much. After discussion, and prayer and scripture study we finally were ready to bring them home. Confident this was the decision that was right.
A couple of weeks later, Natalie changed her mind. Even now, one year later, I can physically feel my heart ripping in two. They were ours. I planned our futures together. And boom! They were gone. This was what I was trying to protect myself from in the very beginning (any changing minds/regrets) through all those discussions and bam! It happened. The one solace I took with me was they were with their mother and that is powerful and the most perfect place they could be. rightly or wrongly! I took pride in the fact I felt like I helped their mother get to a better point in her life to keep the girls.
Today, September 2022 I texted the mom to check in on her and the girls. Like I had done a few times throughout the year and I got the following message.
Wow! I’m going to speak in emoji right now. Here is how I feel…😭. According to google this “Loudly Crying Face” conveys uncontrollable feelings and overwhelming sentiments, ranging from grief and disappointment to hilarity and joy. In my case it is overwhelming grief and disappointment. I asked her all the questions you might be wondering.
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
WHY DIDN’T YOU REACH OUT TO US?
She dodged the questions, and it probably isn’t any of my business. Jared just says it wasn’t meant to be. Which is probably true. But I am going to grieve just a little bit more. Putting the story in words helps me process it all. And now I am just going to sit with it.
Homemade Kindness 